I have the honour of presenting you this guest post by Sirius Bizinus about what God would think, say or do after he had found alien life forms he did not create.
Author’s Note: I was most pleased to have received notice that the False Propheteer had accepted my https://amusingnonsense.wordpress.com/about/ Sirius Writing Challenge. The request was suitably profound, and I had taken quite some time to deliberate upon it. Before sitting down to attempt to write a piece describing what God would think about alien life, I somehow decided to sift through a stack of old mail. To my surprise, I found a letter which I shall reproduce in full without any edits. I do believe I’m not the only one who can say that I think this letter settles the question of what God thinks about the subject. While I can’t verify its authenticity, I will say that I have transcribed it as faithfully as possible.
Sirius H. Bizinus
Dear Mr. Bizinus:
I have recently come across some things that you’ve written about me that are less than flattering. Not only do you claim that I don’t exist, but you also do silly things like post copies of Mr. Stephen Fry’s condescending remarks about me. Naturally, while I am dismayed at your lack of faith, I did manage to give everyone free will. Unlike what some of my more eager followers are saying about me, I will readily admit that I cannot complain if you use it.
This letter, though, is not to complain about the petty musings of one atheist on his blog. Rather, it is to address a question one reader of yours posted on your blog. I’m sending this letter to you because I am dreadfully shy about direct confrontation, and I’m trusting that you will get it to this person without modification. Please don’t be like those awful disciples of my stupid kid’s. Do the right thing and just type it out. I’ve even made it easy and blessed you with the Internet to help. But I don’t get any thanks. Nope, I’m not bitter.
Right. On to the main point, though I have to admit that sometimes I ramble (you’d know that if you read my book again). My point is this: I can freely take credit for all life that results from this universe that I created. Although some people might say that I’m not technically the First Mover for that life, I think they can go bugger themselves. I invented logic, and I can reinvent logic at any time that I want. Being a God isn’t easy, but it has its perks – not that you’d ever know.
Anyways, I am happy to report that life has actually sprung up in many different places over the last six thousand years. Yes, that’s right, the universe is only 6,000 years old. Take that Darwinist scum. Some of the other gods bet me I couldn’t make millions of intelligent beings think that the universe was billions of years old, that life could evolve naturally, and that natural laws could explain the existence of everything. When I go back to the lodge, I’m collecting on that bet.
Be that as it may, other life is evolving at a rapid pace. I give them a couple thousand years to go from single-celled organisms to complex life forms. In another ten-thousand, they’re going to have space ships and advanced technology. Hopefully by then you all will have at least been able to develop a decent light bulb. I mean, you guys have a sinful nature, not a stupid one. That’s something you all developed on your own.
Now, don’t worry about these aliens coming for you. I’ll do a better job protecting you than I have done protecting my chosen people. Technically this would make all you humans my chosen people, which isn’t strictly said in my book (which you should buy). But let me tell you that regardless, I’ll actually stop them from anal probing everyone. If you guys ask nicely, I might even let you treat some of them like Canaanites. That was fun wasn’t it? Oh, good times.
So there you have it. You don’t have to worry about aliens because I’ve got your back. Just because I’m being selfless and merciful on this, though, doesn’t excuse you and everyone else who doesn’t believe in me for being a jerk. I’ll still find car keys for people, but there’s no way I’m curing bone cancer in children. You can thank Mr. Fry for that one.
Above all else, I love human beings the most, despite that you guys choose not to love me back. All these other aliens are going to hell because they don’t believe in me at all. If you all remain atheists, then I’ll have to put you in hell with those aliens. Imagine how awkward that will be, and then ask yourself if you want to spend an eternity trying to explain why you didn’t tell them about me. It will all be your fault that they didn’t get saved.
Love you lots,
P.S. Sirius, you atheists smell funny, but your jokes aren’t. That’s a GOD BURN.
P.P.S. I didn’t send this via email because I haven’t learned how to type yet. You can leave this part out because it’s kind of embarrassing.